**/*** (2.5 stars)
Resigned to an ordinary and
unremarkable life, cleaner Jupiter Jones finds herself at the centre of a
universal conflict. Being of the same genetic code as a member of the
tyrannical Abrasax family, Jupiter is heir to a vast fortune and infinite power.
However, the Abrasax brothers are none too keen on her reappearance, placing
her in grave danger.
When I wrote my review of Kingsman: The Secret Service, I
commented that the writers must have been dabbling with some serious narcotics
to have envisaged such a ridiculous film… However, it transpires that the drugs
they were using were only half as strong as those The Wachowskis were taking
when they devised the plot to Jupiter
Ascending. It transpires that Earth is a part of a massive industry,
overseen by the all-powerful Abrasax family, in particular the ruthless Balem
Abrasax (Eddie Redmayne, pouting like Kiera Knightley and speaking as
breathlessly as a chain smoker). With the emergence of the same genes in the
same sequence, Jupiter Jones (a miscast Mila Kunis) is the reincarnation of the
Abrasax’s mother, who died under mysterious circumstances. And now each of the
Abrasax siblings (Douglas Booth and Tuppence Middleton as the equally devious
younger siblings to Redmayne’s Balem) wants her for different reasons. So, a
massively complex plot. I take no issue with complex storylines, as long as the
audience is informed of them in a way that is subtle and interesting.
Unfortunately, no such subtly exists here. In the opening exchanges between the
Abrasax siblings there is so much forced exposition, including multiple
name-checks, and countless references to things that they clearly do not need
to talk to each other about, that it is almost cringe-worthy! The clunky
dialogue and unnecessary explanations continue throughout the film.
The dialogue in places is
actually laughable, and I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from blurting
out ‘Ha!’ or ‘What!?’ at various points. About twenty minutes into the film,
there is a scene wherein some bees dance around Jupiter, to which Sean Bean
(yes, really) comments that ‘bees have been genetically engineered to detect
royalty’ and that ‘the bees never lie’. It was at that point that I completely
lost patience with the ridiculousness of it all. Similarly, throughout the
film, we pause to allow Jupiter and Caine (Channing Tatum, as a genetically
engineered warrior) to have awkward conversations about falling in love,
leaning in for kisses, only to shy away at the final moment. These scenes are
not only horrendously acted and badly written (‘I love dogs’ is genuinely used
as a pick-up line!), but they create an uneven pace. On top of all this, it is
actually rather boring. For a film with fantastic graphics and multiple dangerous
scenes for our main characters, there is remarkably little threat… or maybe I
just didn’t care. Even with all the whizzing around on gravity boots, the
massive explosions, and the races against time, I still found myself yawning,
wondering how much longer they could possibly drag this out.
It isn’t wholly without merit. As
I say, it looks rather splendid and the imaginative scope is remarkable, but
the dialogue and uneven pace really drag this film down. There are too many
one-dimensional characters, and some of the scenes, no doubt meant to be
touching and philosophical, actually made me laugh out loud at the
cringe-worthiness of it all! I sense a sequel in the works, but I for one will
not be going to watch it!
Alternative view:
I was dragged to see this film by
my mum, who had a completely different response to me, which I thought I should
also include. She described it as being ‘great fun’ and ‘thoroughly enjoyable’,
adding that she felt as though she had ‘only been sitting there for half an
hour’ as opposed to two. We both agreed that it looked rather pretty, but she
did admit to getting a bit lost with the political nonsense that was going on.
That wasn’t a problem, however, as she then just focused on Channing Tatum’s ‘glorious
arms and shoulders’.
My dad, also dragged along,
described it as ‘enjoyable guff’.
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